Bands: Think About What You Say And How You Say It

I feel shackled by the “Jason Tate likes to stir shit up” quote by Real Friends. It leaves me in a place where I feel as though I can’t speak my mind about this band without the internet assuming I have a vendetta. Frankly that pisses me off. That interview paints me in such a corner that if I write any thoughts at all about a band (especially this one), their music, or the character of the band members — I will immediately have what I say dismissed by some as biased. And that’s bullshit. Because what happened this last week on Twitter is bullshit. And it’s important that it gets brought up and talked about. I thought about writing this on AP.net and realized I just simply didn’t want to deal with the chaos it would cause (so, I guess they win to some degree), so instead, I’m writing it here. I hope people read it. I hope someone learns from it. But more than anything, I just needed to get it out.

It started on Twitter with a serious of tweets:

Real Friends:

Hey @thiswildlife come get game raped

Dan Lambton:

It is fucking ridiculous how people will literally take any and everything completely and utterly out of context. Relax, guys. It’s a joke

Real Friends:

Jesus Christ, I was talking about video games. Calm ya boner

There’s enough literature out there that discusses the usage of the word “rape” — especially in the context of “jokes” — that anyone can head to Google and learn about it.1I think Kiana summed this particular instance up best:

[I]t just sucks to be a victim of assault and have people throw around the word so easily and casually. I know people probably don’t mean to compare things when they use it, but when people are playing video games or something and are like “Oh man, you just raped me!” I just can’t help but think oh, so that’s what you’re comparing my experience to? Getting shot in a video game? It’s a sensitive word I guess. I don’t usually get angry at the usage, just uncomfortable. Like, you really couldn’t find a better word?

The defense of the word meaning something different in a gaming context doesn’t hold water with me any better than those that try and justify the usage of racist or homophobic language in a similar manner.2 However, what spurred me to write was the extreme defensiveness that came from the band when they were rightfully called out for their idiocy. Claiming it’s no big deal, it’s ‘a joke,’ yelling at fans, saying everyone is just being “oversensitive” — stop — just stop. This trend of “sorry that you were offended” and “sorry not sorry” rhetoric is nonsense. Look, I understand, we all make mistakes. We say stupid things and the internet saves these stupid things for posterity, I understand this better than most. I understand becoming defensive and trying to rationalize away the fact that people are upset with what you’ve said. But, as someone that’s lived a large portion of my stupid youth years online, here’s what I’ve learned from my past mistakes: admit when you’re wrong — and I mean really fucking admit it. Admit that what you said is hurtful. Admit that what you’ve done has led to the suffering of another person.3 And then apologize and showcase the sincerity and integrity you claim you have by using your position to educate your impressionable fans.

I can’t really overstate the fact that being stupid is part of the growing up process. For many, this awkward stage is confined to local neighborhoods and a small group of friends in your parents’ basement. However, the internet has amplified everything and being semi-famous online for being in a pop-punk band means you are held to a standard higher than most 20-somethings. You are going to make mistakes in public during a time where maturity hasn’t peaked, your brain is still developing, and you have very little awareness of how little you really know. Learn from my mistakes and spend time now reading and looking at why someone could possibly find what you’ve said offensive, or worse, painful. I grew up in a pretty progressive household and it took me a long time to really understand the impact of words and pull myself out of the “world revolved around me” mindset of high-school and college.

I also can’t help but look at the lineage of the pop-punk genre — something that will always be close to my heart — and think that if you want to be at the forefront of a genre and if you want to make long speeches about inclusiveness and sincerity on stage each night: then you need to take the responsibility that comes with that. I know that because of who this band is, and because of the relationship I apparently have with them, anything I say is going to be looked at through that lens. However, my words are coming from a place of understanding: I’ve fucked up a lot in the 15 or so years I’ve spent writing online. I’ve said horrible things that I wish I could take back. I’ve defended horrible positions that I regret each and every day. I was wrong. It took me a long time to truly getthis and that’s why I don’t want to crucify a band for saying something stupid in their early twenties. But what I do want to get across is this: guys, learn from this. Don’t play the #sorrynotsorry game. Look at what Andy from Fall Out Boy did when it came to his attention that his t-shirt was causing a strife. Use your position of power within the music scene for good! To educate! Use your influence over the groups that follow you on Twitter to push a positive message into the world and educate those you can reach. Because right now there are fans that feel they need to defend their favorite band and what they said and there are others weighing in like it’s no big deal and propagating this harmful belief. YOU, the band, have the ability to stop all of that if you own what happened — own the mistake — own the education process — and truly try and learn from the entire situation. Your fans get more out of it. You get more out of it. Our scene, and our world, is a better place because of it.

I still am learning every day and will probably continue to make mistakes for the rest of my life. However, I do feel as though I have a better grasp on listening and trying to really hear someone when they talk to me about something I’ve done or said. I don’t want to throw anyone under the bus or call anyone a shitty person or anything like that. But I do want to raise awareness about this issue in our scene. I want people to take responsibility for their actions and words and not hide behind the dismissive “omg people get offended by everything!” bullshit. If these bands want to be true leaders in the scene — and they really want to take the mantle of the “next big thing” in pop-punk or whatever — then own it. Be leaders. Be ambassadors for a real positive message — not just one that will help you sell records or t-shirts. To most of us this is not a fucking gimmick. Fake sincerity, false integrity — these are things people see in your character as a human being. Writing a sad lyric that hits someone at the right time is great — using the power that comes with that for good is better.