As much as you may like to believe your career in music is infallible, or that you have a gift for songwriting no one will be able to deny, I can guarantee you there will always be days when your best efforts come up short. Failure is an unavoidable byproduct of any creative endeavor, and regardless of what level of fame you reach in this business there will always bad days. The point of continuing to create is not to work towards perfection, but to take into consideration everything that has happened, both good and bad, and apply it to whatever comes next. Art, like life, is a constant progression, and the best you can do is learn how to frame each failure as something other that is ultimately beneficial to your career.
The number of ways you can screw up in music are numerous, and they range from writing a bad single, to performing in a such way that disappoints your fans. We cannot begin to breakdown every single instance of failure and how it can be viewed as a positive, but we can offer tips to help you deal with any instance where things do not go as planned. The advice that follows may seem fairly basic to some, but if applied to your next misstep we guarantee growth will occur. It might not be easy, but it will be beneficial to your creativity in the long run, and at the end of the day that is what matters most.
Start with the truth. Accept the situation for what it is, and be prepared to face it head-on.
Everyone has heard that line about how the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry, and the reason we’ve all heard it is because it’s absolutely true. You might have written the best song you believe yourself possible of creating, but for one reason or another it might not connect with listeners. Likewise, you may give what you feel is the performance of a lifetime, only to look at Twitter after the gig and read tweet after tweet complaining about the sound. In times like this it’s incredibly easy to take a defensive stance, but to do so would be an error. Accept that not everyone will experience things the way you do and try to see things from the outsider’s perspective. Be humbled by the fact you received any response at all, as most never do, and ask yourself how you could improve or change what you’re doing in the future.
The key to this step is honesty. It’s okay to say you love something that your fans do no, but do not blame them for not feeling the same. Art is subjective, but if you listen to your audience you should be able to find a way to do what you want while still playing to their demands. You don’t have to, of course, but most great artists find a way to compromise that satisfies everyone.
Look for the positive, no matter how small it may be.
Let’s say your new album was expected to sell ten thousand copies its first week and only sold fifteen-hundred. That disappointment would be quite a sting, especially from a financial standpoint, but considering the fact less than 1% of all the albums released in any given year sell more than a thousand copies you’re still among the most popular musicians in the world. You may not have ten thousand people clamoring to purchase your new album, but fifteen-hundred consumers is certainly nothing to scoff at. There are towns and villages all over the world that have populations far below fifteen-hundred people, and even less people outside those communities know they exist. You may not be where you want to be, but you are farther along than most, and that is something you should never take for granted.
The point is, there is also an upside. Your new demo may have gone over worse than Jar Jar Binks, but at least by sharing it with fans you learned something new about what they expect from you and what they hope to hear from future material. This knowledge can and should inform future recordings which, in theory, will be received better than whatever came before.
Do not be afraid to take time away from the internet
We are convinced there are at least two negative comments for every positive one on pretty much every song, video, or think piece posted online. People are far quicker to complain than they are to compliment, especially in a public forum, which is why you should consider taking time away from the constant barrage of commentary social media provides when things take a turn for the worse. If you know the incoming messages are going to be riddled with negativity there is no reason to wallow in the hurt feelings such commentary can cause. Absorb enough to understand why people are upset, then step away and take time to reflect on how you can improve your efforts in the future. You do not need the internet to do this, and in our opinion you shouldn’t use it. Stay offline until you have something new to share, and if that doesn’t go over then feel free to take more time away. In fact, take as much time as you need. The internet will still be here when you return.
Whatever you do, keep creating
No matter how you initially react to failure you cannot let the ensuing negativity defeat you. Keep creating, always, and do not stop until you decide you are finished. There will always be someone in the world who thinks you are not good enough, but you cannot let the opinions of a select few stop you from expressing yourself through art. Creativity is a gift that is all too rare in this world, and it should be expressed at every opportunity. Don’t let the haters win.
Next March will be a major occasion for me. I don’t know the date specifically, but that month will mark seven years of full-time employment in the music industry. I will be thirty when it happens and, hopefully, it won’t be the last year that I get to celebrate.
I still remember getting the call that changed everything, and it could not have come at a more opportune time. My friend and frequent collaborator, Ben Howell, was seated across from me inside a gas station in rural Arkansas when my cell phone rang. We had spent the night in a motel we could barely afford after my car blew a rod and left us stranded on the side of the freeway the night before. We were broke, hungry, upset, and – according to a kind mechanic who woke us to break the news that the car could not be fixed – stranded.
When the call came in, I was expecting the worst. If the past twenty-four hours had lead me to believe anything it was that the music industry might not be as interested in me as I was in it. Ben and I had spent the several days prior attending SXSW in Texas, which was fun and filled with networking, but ultimately did not provide any leads to paid work. Then the debacle with my car happened, not to mention the fact we were over one-thousand miles from home and several hundred miles from anyone we knew in a town of less than 1,000 people that was not easily found on a map. If the universe or God or whatever really gives people signs, this felt like a big one.
But then I answered, and within a few minutes I was offered a thirty-hour a week job in Boston at a music discovery startup that wanted to leverage my writing talents to help grow their business. It was exactly what I had always wanted to do, the very job I felt I had been training my entire life to do, and here it was being offered to me at a rate that would allow me to pay my bills and live away from my parents. I excitedly told Ben the news, but considering the fact everything good I had to say would do nothing to free us from our Arkansas predicament, he was less than amused.
Several years later, trouble struck again. The same job offer that brought me to Boston turned into a source of constant trouble after the business ran into trouble securing and maintaining investors. Weeks would pass without anyone below top ranking staff being paid, often with a handful of people being furloughed (a fancy term where you’re not really fired, but you’re also not getting compensated for any recent work you’ve done). If us lower lower employees did get paid it was usually a fraction of what we were owed, with promises that everything would come to as us funds were made available.
After a months of these erratic fluctuations with cash flow the company came to a crossroads where those in charge either had to close things entirely or cut the staff to a small skeleton crew. They chose the latter, keeping me on board, and cut more than a dozen people. They also sold our longtime offer, which was a sprawling space just outside of Boston, and moved the remaining eight employees into a shared working space in a different town. I soon found myself working in a windowless room smaller than my childhood bedroom with another individual, and between the two of us we were doing the work a team of six or more had been assigned just weeks prior.
As humans, we are often able to sense trouble is on the horizon. Something in our DNA alerts us to the fact that we are standing on unsteady ground and need to make changes. I could feel that uneasiness when the Boston gig lost its main office, then again when I found myself spending eight hours in artificial light working for a company that might not be able to pay more for the time I was putting in. To make matters worse, the financial uncertainty had put strains on my home life, including my relationships. I knew something needed to be done, but I was so set on continuing to work in the music business that I refused to sever ties until something else came along.
It was on a day like any other, tucked away from the sun in that tiny office shared office with bills piling up, that my life changed once more. For reasons I still don’t fully understand I chose to contact Haulix and inquire about their marketing efforts. I think my interventions were to attempt securing freelance work to cover bills while my primary job found funding, but after only a few email exchanges I was offered a role in the company that matched the pay I was supposed to be receiving from my current career. Better yet, I could work from home.
Over four years later, I still have that job at Haulix, and my position in the company has grown over time. There is still a lot of uncertainty about the music industry and where it is headed in the years to come, but for now we are a leader in our market and a trendsetter for promotional distribution. I would never dare take credit for all of that, but I do like to think I have found a home in this business that will welcome me as long as it can afford to do so. In this business, that is as close to ‘making it’ as any professional can hope to come.
But recently, something changed in another part of my life. After sever years together my partner, who only became my wife in the last year, decided she needed to leave. It hit me as a complete shock, one which I am still recovering from as I write this entry. In a moment I needed to find a new home and a new life without her. I never planned on having to do the latter, and I had yet to even consider where we might move next. Now I needed answers quickly, but I had no idea where to start. I packed my belongings, and in the process split our possessions into two piles of stuff. I loaded my cats into my car and headed to my parents’ home three states away so that I might get out from under the roof my wife and I once shared.
I would be lying if I told you I wasn’t scared about the future. The thought alone keeps me up at night. My brain tells me that if I could not predict her leaving me then there must be other things on the way in my life that I don’t foresee at this point. Maybe I lose my job due to an evolving industry, which would make me an unemployed divorcee on the edge of turning thirty who currently lives with his parents. The likelihood all that comes to pass is very low, but still — it could happen and that is more than enough to prevent me from finding any sense of peace.
But last night I had a thought, and that thought lead to this entry. Every time I have found myself cornered in ‘the pinch,’ which here means any situation I do not know my way out of, something happens to renew my faith in the path I am on. Sometimes it comes in the form of a phone call, an email, or maybe just a conversation with a close friend about how you’re really feeling. When you find the strength to admit you do not have control over the situation, but continue to do everything in your power to influence it in a positive sense, change happens. It might not be what you thought you wanted, and it might demand sacrifices on your part, but your path is much longer than it appears to be at this moment. You have more stories to write, more adventures to go on, and a lifetime of memories to make. I do too, and sometimes I need to remind myself of that.
Trust ‘the pinch’. Feeling pinched by life does not mean you made the wrong choice, it just means you are due for a change. Whether you believe it in the moment or not, change is good for you, and if you continue to pour your heart into everything you do the changes in life will not stop you from becoming the person you aspire to be. Just believe in yourself and it will all work out in the end.
James Shotwell is the Director of Customer Engagement for Haulix. He is also a ten-year veteran of music journalism, host of the Inside Music podcast, and a frequent commentator on the future of the music business. You should follow him on Twitter if you enjoy business talk, cats, The Simpsons, and in-depth discussion of the latest Law & Order: SVU episodes.
Some people look to the first of January as a date made for pursuing new things, but here at Haulix we believe such thinking is born solely out of a desire to remain the same rather than it is to genuinely change. If you want things to be different you have to do different things. Repeating the same behavior over and over while expecting different results is madness, yet so many of us allow ourselves to continue living life that way because – put simply – change is hard. Sameness is always easier, and it’s hurting you as much as it is your audience.
Do you know why some people have thirty year careers in entertainment and other, perhaps far more talented people never get noticed? Part of it has to do with luck and another with the people you surround yourself with, but the third component is change. Those who find longterm success in this industry never stop changing. Their sound may always feel familiar, or they may work with the same type artists, but they are always trying to find new ways to evolve.
The changes we’re discussing here do not need to be completely life-altering unless that is what you feel you need to do. For most, the changes needed are more an act of constant refinement than one of reinvention. If you always write about punk music, try hip-hop for a month. If you always write try to write anthemic songs, try being a bit more personal. Change your habits just enough to be uncomfortable.
Being good is not the goal of this change, though proficiency over time is entirely achievable. Your primary goal should be making your brain think differently. You want to shake the cobwebs that have developed through repetitive actions so that you might see things in a new light as if they were new once more. You may discover a new hobby or passion, but you might not. What is important is that you rediscover the passion you had for your craft at the beginning. If you can tap into that and channel it through the knowledge and experienced gained over time you can do anything.
One of the more bittersweet struggles in life and business is the wait between having a great idea and being able to act on it. Once you begin turning your ideas into actions your desire to continue doing so becomes unstoppable. You hunger for the next thought because it might be the one that changes everything, or at least something that pushes you a bit further forward in your creative pursuits.
Expressing yourself through action soon becomes purpose, the thing we all seek, and the wait to produce something original can be absolutely maddening. We’d rather pay people to do the work for us or short cut the traditional methods of release for the sake of self-gratification. We seek short cuts and ways around delays because we just have to get our ideas into the world, which is precisely where everyone goes wrong.
When we outsourced work on a new platform early last year, we thought we were doing it for the right reasons. After years of growth and success we had the means to create an updated system for our clients that met many long time demands. In our minds it was a move for them, not us, and it could happen much quicker with additional help in development.
We knew what people needed because we spent our days engaged with them in a dialogue about our product. You know who didn’t? The team we hired to help us build the site.
This is not a slight against them. The entire team was very talented and they helped us build a beautiful system. If only that system actually worked it would have been a gorgeous product release, but as many users know that is the furthest thing from what happened. The release crashed our system for days, leaving clients and members of the media without access to their music. It was a borderline worst case scenario.
We do not blame the team that we hired for this mistake because we knew it was our rush to get a new product out that ultimately lead us astray. We could have built the platform ourselves, but instead we tried to take a short cut in our personal development by seeking help from people unfamiliar with our mission and focus. We asked people to think like us rather than thinking for ourselves.
In the weeks following the failed launch of the new platform we came to a realization: We need a new plan and we still have to pay off the now largely useless updated platform. After much debated we decided to return to our core product and revisit ever single page and tool one item at a time. We made lists of everything we could change and talked about the things we wish we knew how to build ourselves. Instead of one big update we would make several minor updates throughout the year, each furthering the overall quality of our platform.
Our biggest success has been the product of our team working together. We may not be the biggest team in the world, but we are dedicated to our mission and we stop at nothing to deliver high quality work to our consumers. If something we need can be gained through our own efforts then it us our responsibility to see it through.
It doesn’t matter what it is you want to pursue in life. Whether you want to create, teach, build, or work in middle management you need to do the work involved to find true success. Houses and countries and cell phones and stereos do not happen simply because they are wished for. People just like you and me put their own blood, sweat, and tear into something because they wanted to see it exist. They sought like-minded people, but they never relied on them to do the things they wanted.
Don’t seek a legacy – build one.
James Shotwell is the Director of Customer Engagement at Haulix. He is also a Managing Editor at Substream Magazine and a ten-year music industry veteran. You should probably follow him on Twitter.
The following post is the latest product of our ongoing content collaboration with Muddy Paw PR.
The one consistent piece of advice I received when researching what to expect from my first SXSW was to go with the flow, and plan for the unexpected. You will not make every showcase you plan to see, but you will end up seeing some pretty phenomenal shows by accident, etc. As it turned out, they were right. My experiences in Austin allowed me to come back reenergized and ready to take on the world. Part of that was the experiences themselves, but the other part was applying some key SXSW advice to my daily life, and to the always teetering work-life balance. So what SXSW lessons can you apply to your daily life? Well….
Flexibility is the key to happiness
As a small business owner, flexibility is one of the most important, yet difficult hurdles I’ve had to face. Being at SXSW challenged the neurotic planner that lives within me, and forced me to be ok with doing things on the fly, and not having a set schedule. The world didn’t end if I missed a showcase, and I didn’t allow myself to dwell on the “what ifs.” Instead, I chose to go with the flow and tackle what was in front of me, and what felt right. If a friend mentioned an event a few streets over and it coincided with a panel I planned to see, I quickly weighed the pros and cons of each, before going with the one that made the most sense in that moment. I didn’t spend hours or days agonizing over decisions like I might at home.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s a benefit to taking your time with decisions and being responsible—we can’t always do what feels good, or we’re going to sink our careers pretty quickly and end up watching Netflix full time. But there’s something to be said about kyboshing all the back and forth agonizing over smaller tasks and just sticking to your gut. The time you save wondering if every decision you made was the right one will allow you a lot more time to focus on growth.
Make time to have a little fun
For all the years I’ve longed to go to SXSW, I’ve envisioned it as a giant networking opportunity. A chance to meet others in the business, pull in new clients, and network like there was no tomorrow. And don’t get me wrong, it’s all those things—but what I didn’t expect was that the real networking would come into play when I was having fun, hanging out with friends, and getting introduced to others under their wing. Not to mention, the more time I took to just relax and enjoy the company of the people I was with, the more positive I was, and the more I felt I was attracting the right kind of networking opportunities. Back in the “real world”, it can be easy to get sucked into a constant loop of work, with no real end in sight. By remembering to take the time you need to step away, get out of the house or office, and spend some true quality time with friends, not only will your mental health thank you, but so will your creativity.
Have an agenda—but don’t be afraid to deviate
I touched on this above, but although I believe that flexibility in your SXSW planning is key to a great experience, I also believe that you should have a strong agenda going in—otherwise it’s going to be a really expensive vacation. Is your goal to network? Great. What does that mean exactly? What’s the purpose of your networking? To book more gigs across the country? To find an investor for your business? To find new clients? Find your purpose for going and outline the steps you plan to take to make that happen. If it means setting up business meetings ahead of time, do it—and don’t wait until the day before you leave. Make a plan, and do your best to stick to it, but don’t be afraid to deviate from the plan if you feel like something else might be a better fit.
This idea of having an agenda yet not being afraid to deviate is one of the most powerful lessons I took home. In the back of your mind, you should always know your purpose—as an artist, business owner, professional, etc. Everything you do should be getting you closer to your goal, and that goal should always be kept in the back of your mind. Yet, if something you hadn’t planned or thought of comes across your path that you feel makes more sense, or will accelerate your career, don’t be afraid to explore that option.
Appreciate the little things
So many of the experiences I had at SXSW were grand in nature. Focused panel topics, well-laid out brunches, and meticulously planned showcases dotted my schedule. While all of those things were incredible, some of the most memorable moments I had happened while I was indulging in the little things, like eating breakfast tacos with friends the day before leaving, or grabbing free merch from a friend’s showcase. It was all the tiny little moments that no one talks about and most people never remember that made my experience as remarkable as it was. Taking that philosophy home, I’m learning to take small moments and step back so that I can appreciate all the tiny little moments that make life worth living. Things like the taste of a really good scoop of ice cream. The way the spring air feels on my skin. My dog wagging his tail when he knows it’s time to go for a walk. These are the things that make life beautiful. No one ever died saying “I wish I’d worked a little harder and spent less time hanging out with loved ones.”
Get inspired
One of the most magical things about SXSW was how inspired it left me. Seeing so many friends, attending so many showcases filled to the brim with talented musicians, and seeing so many people chasing, achieving, and living their passions left me wanting to fight 10X harder for mine. It’s a simple thing: the more you surround yourself with inspired people, the more inspired you’re apt to be. After all, we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with.
Coming home from Austin, I was tired, but I was also filled with hope. I was exhausted, but I was renewed with energy, passion, vision, and drive. I felt determined to continue to surround myself with as many driven and inspired people as possible, eliminating anyone who drained my energy or brought me into any mindset other than a successful one. Take this time to think hard about those you surround yourself with. Are they making you a better person? A better artist? A better business owner? Find those people that are—your people and don’t let them go.
Imagine all the things you can do when you learn to relax, have fun, and surround yourself with other inspired, passionate people. Imagine all the goals you’ll check off, and the impact you can make. It’s easy to get bogged down with the day-to-day cycles of work, but you got into this industry because you loved it, and because you felt it was your calling, right? So remember to have some fun along the way and enjoy the successes you’re given. Otherwise, what’s the point?
Angela Mastrogiacomo is the founder and CEO of Muddy Paw PR, a Boston based public relations firm specializing in personalized campaign initiatives for independent artists, as well as music blog Infectious Magazine. She is also the curator of several chapters of the music community Balanced Breakfast, which currently operates in 12 cities including San Francisco, Los Angeles, Austin, Nashville, Toronto, Portland, and many other music cities. She loves hanging out with her dog, eating ice cream, and a good book. Read more at https://angelamastrogiacomo.wordpress.com/
The following post is not about growing up in the music industry, but rather growing up in general. James Shotwell, editor of the Haulix blog, shares his recent battle with grief and discussed the various ways he feels that avoiding the truth of a situation has stunted his personal and professional development over the last year. We’re sharing it here because we feel it’s important for young professionals to understand how handling their personal affairs directly relates to their ability to do their job as professionals, and we hope it makes a difference.
For the past year I feel as if I have been traveling through the same small town again and again hoping to find a new street to stroll. That town’s name is grief, and it wasn’t until about 48 weeks into what I imagine will be at least a 52 week sentence that I realized this was so.
My best friend died. I’ve said and written this sentence more times than I can count over the past year, and in the process I’ve told myself it was true a little more with each use. I knew a part of me knew it was true from the moment my phone rang as I was just being seated for a film screening for a 2014 title whose name I’ve long forgotten. I remember collapsing in the hallway of the same movie theater I still frequent 2-3 times any given week, weeping, feeling as if my spirit had momentarily been sucked from my very being. I have glimpses of calling my mother and my fiancé, Lisa, telling them each the truth while gasping through sobs and wiping snot on a bench outside a screening for Gone Girl that was seeing a heavy amount of foot traffic. I couldn’t tell you how I got outside, but logic says I walked, and then my fiancé arrived to take me home. My best friend wasn’t dead just yet, but he was dying, and he would be gone before I could arrive no matter the means I took. I would have given everything in my bank account to pay for a flight, and I know my family would have chipped in if they thought it could help. We couldn’t make it. All we could do was wait, several hours, until confirmation finally came.
You might not believe this, but I actually found out about Justin’s death from Facebook. I was visiting his page while saying prayers to God, George Carlin, and every fallen family member I thought might be able to help when I saw someone post a comment reading “RIP” on his page. I knew things were far too dire for this to be a sick prank, and moments later my phone rang. It was Justin’s sister, and she didn’t really say anything at all. I think I asked if something had happened, and all I heard in response was a mumble buried in an urgent fight against oncoming tears. I apologized, as we all do in moments of loss, and after a few shared tears we hung up the phone. Lisa was coming up the hall from the kitchen as I hung up, and I jumped to greet her, sharing the news while collapsing in her arms. She had grown extremely close to Justin over the years as well, but in that moment she knew she had to be the strong one for both of us. I don’t know that I have ever thanked her for that.
The last time I saw Justin was in Cleveland over the summer. He had just crossed the three month mark on his latest hospital stay and I made good on a longstanding promise to come visit him. Having a job that allows me to work from home has its perks, and in this case I was able to travel during the week and put in hours while Justin underwent daily dialysis (often followed by naps, which allotted for even more work time). He never wanted to talk about his illness, and he would do his best to silence any doctors or nurses who tried to speak too directly about any specific treatments. Though he was sick for several years he always made it a point to keep details about his sickness at arm’s length from myself and our closest friends. It was his way of protecting us, but as you can imagine it never sat well with anyone.
During our time together on this trip we laughed over memories from our time in college, before Justing was sick. We talked about the girls we met and the adventures we shared. The time we got our car stuck in the woods on Justin’s 21st birthday and he missed the opportunity to have a proper night of drinking, and the time we drove to Ann Arbor for what turned out to be a sold out concert and drove three hours straight back to campus. We also played a lot of X-Box, which was the number one distraction Justin had from his immediate surroundings. He kicked my ass. It was a lot like being back in the dorm, but this time one of us was very, very ill.
At night, Justin and I would head to the rooftop of the Hospital and look at the city of Cleveland. Justin hated the view, and having seen a fair share of cities myself I wasn’t fond of it either, but it was what we had and we passed time poking fun at the city’s excitement over the return of Lebron James. We were even joined by a friend, Jacob, and together we sang Bob Seger’s “Night Moves” while the Tigers lit off Fireworks. Writing it now makes everything seem kind of like a schmaltzy climax to a John Greene novel, I know, but we wouldn’t realize the importance of those moments until many months later.
The only time we spoke about Justin’s sickness was when he made a simple request, and that was that I contact all our friends if he lost his battle. And trust me, it was a battle.
So after I collapsed into Lisa’s arms in that hallway, and after we eventually made it to our bed for several minutes of sobs, I remembered the request of my best friend. I started with our closest friends, and every single one was its own Earth-shattering moment. It was something I will never forget, and it’s something that I don’t that I will really discuss outside of this post. The calls with our closest friends were somehow the easiest, as the anticipation for Justin’s passing had already made its way through our immediate circle. Justin and I also shared friends whom he spoke to far more frequently than myself that he also requested I call at the same time, and those were the hardest moments of all. Speaking to people I hadn’t had a deep conversation with in months, if not over year, to say our mutual friend had just died was an impossible task that felt increasingly difficult with each number I dialed. It was necessary though, and I know Justin asked me to do that because he knew it would force me to deal with the reality of his passing far quicker than I was likely to on my own. He was always looking out for me like that, but as you might guess from the beginning of this story I somehow found a way to avoid truly facing those facts until the last few weeks.
My close friend Ben came to visit in September, just before Justin’s birthday, and we both remarked on how hard it was to come to terms with the fact he had indeed passed. When he left, I was fine for a week or so, but I couldn’t shake the feeling something was gnawing at me from the inside. For days I felt like my heart was sitting uncomfortably in my chest, and I was checking my pulse regularly with the idea I was perhaps having a very small scale panic attack. I eventually broke down at 3AM one morning, again alerting Lisa, and I confessed to her the regrets I had been carrying since the moment I knew of Justin’s death. The conversations we shared that I didn’t know how to guide, or the things left unsaid. I confessed how facing the fact my best friend, who was younger than me by nearly two years, could die meant facing the fact I was going to die all over again absolutely freaks me out to no end. I think we all forget that essentially everyone fears death on some level, at least temporarily, and when we feel like we’re the only ones who understand the concept of no longer being among the living it gives us a sensation our grandparents might describe as ‘heebie jeebies.’ That has been true for everyone I’ve ever known, every writer I’ve ever admired, and arguably anyone intelligent enough to grasp basic concepts of existence.
Please understand. I poured all of this out at 3AM to a woman who, up until the point I shook her while fighting back a massive breakdown, was sound asleep following a long day trip from Boston to New Jersey and back again. This woman is a saint, and she deserves a puppy (too bad our apartment is too small for one).
Getting over the Anger stage of grief by diving face first into the Bargaining phase, I spent the following days looking for signs in anything and everything to let me know I wasn’t losing my mind. Justin was on my mind constantly, as were my own battles with mortality, and I was looking for any excuse to avoid the fact those thoughts weren’t going away. No matter how hard I tried however, I could not work. I could not create. My mind was stuck, and I proceeded to become even more lost in my own thoughts and sadness. I could recognize the pain in my chest, but I couldn’t accept it. To be honest, I still struggle to. I feel it though, and I know it’s there. I know my body is telling me to deal with the loss of Justin and move on with my life, and I am trying to listen.
Today I was speaking at a college in rural Pennsylvania, and when I finally finished for the day I took some time to drive around and unwind. I had read about how the town was once eyed by gas companies, who worked to establish 3 major hotels in the sleepy hillside town of under 10k only to later abandon their plans decades ahead of schedule. I had wondered if there were any other repercussions from the move, and I think I found my answer in the numerous unmarked dead end streets I encountered. These weren’t road in the middle of the town, obviously, but rather those left on the outskirts as if to point towards opportunities that were never developed. After three or four of these intersections I stopped and rolled down the windows to let the silence of the moment sweep over me. I don’t know if it was the Pennsylvania air or the fact I am mentally exhausted from a day filled with conversations, but in that moment I realized how much my past year resembled this tiny town. I had underdeveloped opportunities everywhere, dragging down myself and others, all because I had been running from the fact that my best friend died. The November day that brought the worst phone calls I have ever received is fast-approaching, and I didn’t even take time to consider that I hadn’t properly dealt with Justin’s death until somewhere around October 5 of this year.
The strange part is, having realized what it is that I’ve been struggling with for so long I’ve since begun to feel like I am growing in leaps and bounds. I feel as if I am seeing the world through fresh eyes, and I am beginning to notice other things about myself that I perhaps have been fighting as well. Thoughts about what I really want out of life, and what I plan to do to reach that point, if I am able to at all. I like to think of it as finally seeing the ‘big picture’ instead of being obsessed with the details, and I’ve gotta say that it seems quite beautiful. I wish Justin were here to see it, but I know I will carry a piece of him with me wherever I go. He’ll be the person I dedicate my first book to, and the first name on the acceptance speech I keep just in case I ever do something that allows me to make one of those corny speeches. I’ll toast his life with our friends, and we’ll share stories about him until our time comes.
At the end of his posthumous autobiography, George Carlin is discussing his plans for a Broadway play about his own life when he says that reunion is the one thing we all seek in our lives, and I realize every day how true that is. Reunion with the past and with those that have passed, to some degree, is something each of us seeks in our own way. Call it a religion, call it a belief, call it whatever you need to feel complete. There must be something to that. It’s rare that every being in a species longs for the same high concept thing, at least as far as we know, so it must all mean something. How can it not? If reunion is what we all seek there must be something to it, and I’m sure when we get there it will be great. The wait will be hell, but it will be worth it.
James Shotwell is the Marketing Coordinator for Haulix. He is also a professional entertainment critic, covering both film and music, as well as the co-founder of Antique Records. Feel free to tell him you love or hate the article above by connecting with him on Twitter. Bonus points if you introduce yourself by sharing your favorite Simpsons character.
